9/15/2014

TRAVELER'S NOTEBOOK AND MORNING COFFEE





Sitting down in bright morning light to drink my coconut 
coffee, leafing through some Florence pictures. 
Memories captured on film – memories saved forever.







.............................
camera: bronica sq-a
film: kodak portra 160
notebook: midori Traveler's Notebook
pen: Visconti Van Gogh

© nicole sprekelmann

9/10/2014

THEN AND NOW




The last years have been intense, full of worries and this anxiety 
always present. Scared of what was to come. If the last years 
were filled with angst, 
the last months have been a living nightmare. 
Weekends spent driving to see you, trying to find words 
of hope and assurance, while at the same time 
being full of dread and panic myself. To much dread 
to even find words for it. How would I find the strength
to face a future without you? How could I ever cope without
my mom? 
And the dreaded day did come and now
I have to start facing a new truth. I will have
to find a way to cope without you.
Who will find the right words now – when all I 
want to do is talk to you? Who could possibly fill
the space you are leaving behind? 
Will this emptiness
stay forever? 






I hoped that in beautiful Italy I would heal some, would 
forget some and would find some hope. 

What I found in Venice 
was colours that made my heart beat, 
water that soothed my soul, 
sights that made me want more, 
scents that made me dream 
and people that made me smile.

On the outside I felt good, but on the inside I still felt numb, 
still only you on my mind. 






.............................
camera: bronica sq-a
film: kodak portra 160
© nicole sprekelmann

9/08/2014

FLORENCE SUNDOWN




Florence.
 I am getting lost in the city – from morning till night.
I am drowning in its beauty, taking in the music and its magical light.
Walking past the river, climbing steps to take a break on piazza
michelangelo, with magnificent view over the entire city. 
Drinking the most delicious coffee in little side streets, 
talking to strangers while the sun is slowly sinking into
the river.






















9/05/2014

A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE




This is a trip down memory lane, exactly the way I intended it to be.
The moment I step onto the small island I feel as if I am stepping back
into the past. I am my teenage self again, wandering the streets with 
my best friend. Two young girls full of mischief and laughter. 
We roamed these streets together like two stray cats, 
understanding each other blindly. 

I am sitting near Santa Maria della Salute, 
feet dangling in the water while I savor my figs. 
They will forever be the taste of Italy to me.
Remembering how we would live on ice-cream back then, 
tasting a new flavor with every cone we bought, 
grinning from ear to ear licking our  share of lampone,
limone and vaniglia.  









.............................
camera: bronica sq-a
film: kodak portra 160
© nicole sprekelmann

9/03/2014

STONE ON STONE



Stone on stone I am amazed.
Stones of pastel colours make my eyes glaze
over with happiness. I walk the labyrinth like 
streets, turn right, turn left and turn again, 
hands softly brushing along pastel coloured walls and
crumbling stones. 






Could a city be more beautiful?
Could a city be washed in softer colours?
Could a city be more romantic?






Wherever I turn I find myself walking down a street even prettier 
than the one before. Another bridge, another palace, 
another building another dome taking my breath away. 
My feet keep walking, taking me ever deeper into the heart of the
city, soft steps on grey stones, breathing in the salty air.





.............................
camera: bronica sq-a
film: kodak portra 160
© nicole sprekelmann

9/02/2014

FACADES OF VENICE





Never will I forget laying eyes on Venice for the first time.
Colourful facades soft as a powder puff would make me want to
touch every stone I walked by. 
Reflections would play with the sun and 
make me think of a thousand diamonds hidden in 
the canals, softly illuminating walls and faces.
Our 13 year old footsteps excitedly echoing the alleyways, 
turning left, turning right, finding new wonders in 
every direction. 

And now I am coming back, retracing those steps.









.............................
camera: bronica sq-a
film: kodak portra 160
© nicole sprekelmann


8/24/2014

THE PLACE YOU CALLED HOME

 



A day of driving slowly brings me closer to you. 
Closer to all those family memories that are linked 
to these parts of the world.
For memories are all that there is now.
Memories – my new reality.


It is here in this small village near Salzburg that we all meet. 
This is the place where everything merges, the place we are all linked 
to so deeply. All my life this place has been more to me than
just a village. From earliest memories I can remember how enchanted
I used to feel here, that it felt as if I could hear some 
kind of special music here.


But this time things are not so magical. This time there are not
the usual happy laughters on arrival. Instead of happy shrieks there is 
this lingering silence, those lonely tears wept quietly. We can all
feel the heavy silence that is your memory. You are still here, 
you are in everything around me. All those memories
sweep over me and make me smile. You are here in all that
I see. But I still miss you so much.





I can feel your presence here, in this place that you called home for so long.
This peaceful quiet lingers and seems to be with us wherever we go. 
Everything feels so unreal, as if all this has never happened, as it I 
would simply have to wake up from this dream and you would sit here
by my side, drinking a coffee. I can feel your presence so clearly 
everything around me is closely linked to you.

All those happy days we spent here, all those memories that are linked 
to this place. There seems to be a story in every stone, every street, 
every sight I lay my eyes on. I let my mind wander as I slowly walk
the streets of Salzburg. 
This is the shop that you bought me my first
ever dirndl, and over there I got my swimming goggles, 
that I insisted should be worn with my new dirndl day and night.
Here you dried my tears from my first ever heart brake, over there 
we used to sit to watch the yearly fireworks.
There is our favorite ice-cream shop,
lemon it would be every time.











There are the cobblestoned tiny streets of the old town that we would stroll along, 
eating cheese sausages and drinking our almdudler, all talk and laughters.
It's the city of Mozart and Music, dressed up folks enjoying summer's Festspiele
all around town. And we would enjoy their dresses and the festive mood.
The dome was one of our favorite places to pass the time. Inside the amazing
church would make us speechless and outside we would watch the 
horses draw their carriages. 





The Salzach would change it's colour depending on the weather, 
sunshine would make it glisten in soft pastel greens, storm would make 
it look angry and grey, on rainy days it would take on these lazy
beige tones. And us? We spent forever and a day on the bridge, watching
the water, feeling the bridge vibrate and move with every step.


 





I remember all those sunny afternoons spent around Schloss Mirabell and the beautiful
gardens. Strolling around, smelling the roses and on hot days enjoying the shade
underneath the trees. There park would always be filled with music
and laughters. And we loved it, would while away the afternoons.




I will always love this city, nestling into the mountains, with the fortress guarding it.
I will always come back to this place whenever I need to feel close to you, I know that
you are here, with all our memories, this is our city. I can hear you whispering 
whenever I sit on a bench facing the river. I will sense you walking beside me whenever 
my feet hit the uneven stones. I know I only have to close my eyes and you
will be there by my side, but it's here, in this place that you called home that
I feel you more intensely. It is here that I feel as if you are just around 
the corner. 

This does not feel right, you not being there with us. It is strange to be here.
It was planned before you passed away and we thought it might help us all to
get used to the situation and try to handle it. We thought we might use this
possibility to say goodbye, to do this here, where you are present in 
every stone, every detail around us. 

It might sound romantic, but it is far from it. It is painful, 
it is hurting so much. All I can think of is that you should be here with
us. This place is not the same without you. The music has stopped 
playing when you stopped breathing. 




.............................
camera: bronica sq-a
film: kodak tri-x
© nicole sprekelmann



8/22/2014

STARE





.............................
camera: bronica sq-a
film: kodak tri-x
© nicole sprekelmann

8/21/2014

GREEN LEAVES






Early morning, footsteps on the stairs, naked feet touching the 
wooden boards. Lightly walking down the path towards the little corner that
pulls me towards it, smells softly playing with my senses.
Smiling while slowly picking some mint leaves for my morning tea.





Something about this early morning ritual makes me smile and feel blessed.
Those little things, that is what life is all about. Filling the kettle, listening
to it boiling the water, while I drop those green leaves into a glass.
Once the water is poured the smell starts to slowly spread and
fill the kitchen with minty deliciousness.









Taking my time, sitting down, my hands brushing the old wooden table.
Hot glass warming my hands. Fresh smell slowly waking me up for good.
Small sips waking up ever cell.








.............................
camera: bronica sq-a
film: kodak portra 160 nc, expired
©  nicole sprekelmann

8/20/2014

51 DAYS






51 endless days
51 days of sadness
51 days of sweet memories
51 days missing you
51 days that I haven`t spoken to you
51 days and your voice is still filling my head
51 days trying to find a way to live
51 days of haunting thoughts
51 days of emptiness in my heart
51 days of feeling hopeless and alone
51 days of frozen blood in my veins






51 nights of bad dreams
51 nights feeling overwhelmed
51 nights feeling like a little child neeing its mom
51 nights remembering being tucked into bed
51 nights remembering your soft voice reading stories
51 nights wishing it wasn`t so
51 nights staring at the ceiling
51 nights wondering where one goes










.............................
camera: bronica sq-a
film: kodak portra 160 nc
© nicole sprekelmann

PAINFUL SILENCE



The silence between us seems to seep into every pore, crawling under my skin,
leaving me feel hurt and confused. I can only hear the voices inside my head,
remembering all those beautiful moments, getting lost on the roads to 
the past. A past that holds so many happy words and laughter. A past 
that knew no sadness. A past that is just that – past.


.............................
camera: bronica sq-a
film: kodak portra 160 nc, expired
© nicole sprekelmann


LOST AND CONFUSED




So what to do when the fog is slowly closing in on you?
You can feel it settling onto your skin, gripping you with it's
cold and wet fingers, giving you the shivers.

So what to do when the it is slowly closing in on you, 
blocking your view and making you stumble?
Trying to find your way through its dense little droplets.

So what to do when the fog is clouding your vision
and you don't know what is right and what is wrong,
Not knowing  which direction to turn, feeling all 
lost and confused.

What to do when all there is to see are those memories.
Memories and the fog. So what to do?



.............................
camera: bronica sq-a
film: tri-x, expired
© nicole sprekelmann




DRUNK ON WORDS


words


have


no


reality


.............................
camera: nikon fm2n
film: kodak portra
© nicole sprekelmann

8/15/2014

SWEET SUMMER DAYS





Summer afternoon – time is standing still. 
Sitting under the old magnolia tree.
Letting the mind wander, 
remembering those wonderful childhood summers. 








Your soft hands and warm kisses on my forehead would wake me in the morning.
You would ask about my dreams, your eyes sparkling. "A dragon?" You would
ask and smile, listening intently to my stories of the night.

Then our tiny feet would sleepily tumble down the 
stairs onto the sunlit terrace, to find our breakfast trays laden with summer treats.
Orane juice, croissants, marmalade, cherries and slices of oranges.






Leaving us with plenty of energy to ride the bike, 
spend hours on the swing in our garden,
climb over fences to hide in the forrest, drink endless 
glasses of sweet iced tea in  colourful glasses, 
climbing the trees in our garden,
splashing in our little pool. 







I can still smell  the sun lotion, hear the music playing from the
stereo. Can still feel the soft skirt brushing against my skin. I can still
remember those white wet sheets blowing in the evening  wind, 
all those warm summer rains and thunderstorms. 






I remember my little red bike and the rose bushes that I hit on my first 
ever solo ride... I remember my little pink swimsuit and how proud I felt to
be wearing it during those long summer afternoons in the pool. 
I can still hear the laughters from our neighbour kids running around
our garden.

Sweet endless summer days ...






.............................
camera: bronica sq-a
film: kodak portra 160 nc, expired
© nicole sprekelmann