51 DAYS

51 endless days

51 days of sadness

51 days of sweet memories

51 days missing you

51 days that I haven`t spoken to you

51 days and your voice is still filling my head

51 days trying to find a way to live

51 days of haunting thoughts

51 days of emptiness in my heart

51 days of feeling hopeless and alone

51 days of frozen blood in my veins

51 nights of bad dreams

51 nights feeling overwhelmed

51 nights feeling like a little child neeing its mom

51 nights remembering being tucked into bed

51 nights remembering your soft voice reading stories

51 nights wishing it wasn`t so

51 nights staring at the ceiling

51 nights wondering where one goes

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camera: bronica sq-a

film: kodak portra 160 nc

© nicole sprekelmann

A BLACK SUNDAY OF WORRIES AND HOPE

A day that should not have been, 

a day that will forever stay in my mind as a black sunday.

Worries have turned blue skies into dark clouds today.

Today has been all about my mom,

the next weeks and month will be all about her.

It amazes me how one second can change everything. 

From a peaceful morning 

things can turn in the blink of an eye.

How everything feels so much more intense on those days.

a second might turn into hours, a breath will feel slow and 

suffocating instead of healthy and clean. Light that usually is soothing 

feels frightening today.

A prayer, that is what is needed I guess. 

But not even that I am up to. 

My head is empty of words, most of the day even 

empty of feelings. 

All I can feel is that this is too big for me to feel. 

I shuffle away in tiny little steps, well aware of my inner turmoil,

well aware that tomorrow 

I will have to find a better way to cope.

But today I allow myself to simply ignore any feeling. 

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camera: nikon fm2n

film: kodak tri-x

© nicole sprekelmann

Beyond words

I don't sleep well at all. There is something that keeps me awake at night, keeps haunting me when

I don't watch closely. I am watching the moon, trying to find some meaning, trying

to figure out what lays beyond all of these words. Words that are whispered in the dark of 

the night, words that end up as a line of sepia ink on creamy paper. Words that are 

listened to in some beautiful song, telling a story of a forty six year old.

Words that are being remembered from years ago, friends whispering little secrets that

would be kept forever. Words read over and over in an old love letter, no matter how 

alive they were then, they are still bound to fade one day. Words that tell of a saturday night

with a girl who danced the night away, never to be seen again. Words that were 

meant to hurt and will do so no matter what. Words that tell of fun times 

at the beach, sitting with your sweetheart, sitting around a fire and

listening to the soft whispers of the ocean. Words that will never

be remembered beyond the ocean. Words that are reserved

for just the two of you, words that give you a 

glimpse of hope and shelter. Some words are like songs and some are

like a knife, knowing that the bad ones will never be forgotten and the good 

ones will grow and grow. Some will stay with me forever, so deep,

so soft, so sincere and so true. Beyond.