TRAVELER'S NOTEBOOK AND MORNING COFFEE

Sitting down in bright morning light to drink my coconut 

coffee, leafing through some Florence pictures. 

Memories captured on film – memories saved forever.

.............................

camera: bronica sq-a

film: kodak portra 160

notebook: midori Traveler's Notebook

pen: Visconti Van Gogh

© nicole sprekelmann

THEN AND NOW

The last years have been intense, full of worries and this anxiety 

always present. Scared of what was to come. If the last years 

were filled with angst, 

the last months have been a living nightmare. 

Weekends spent driving to see you, trying to find words 

of hope and assurance, while at the same time 

being full of dread and panic myself. To much dread 

to even find words for it. How would I find the strength

to face a future without you? How could I ever cope without

my mom? 

And the dreaded day did come and now

I have to start facing a new truth. I will have

to find a way to cope without you.

Who will find the right words now – when all I 

want to do is talk to you? Who could possibly fill

the space you are leaving behind? 

Will this emptiness

stay forever? 

I hoped that in beautiful Italy I would heal some, would 

forget some and would find some hope. 

What I found in Venice 

was colours that made my heart beat, 

water that soothed my soul, 

sights that made me want more, 

scents that made me dream 

and people that made me smile.

On the outside I felt good, but on the inside I still felt numb, 

still only you on my mind. 

.............................

camera: bronica sq-a

film: kodak portra 160

© nicole sprekelmann

GREEN LEAVES

Early morning, footsteps on the stairs, naked feet touching the 

wooden boards. Lightly walking down the path towards the little corner that

pulls me towards it, smells softly playing with my senses.

Smiling while slowly picking some mint leaves for my morning tea.

Something about this early morning ritual makes me smile and feel blessed.

Those little things, that is what life is all about. Filling the kettle, listening

to it boiling the water, while I drop those green leaves into a glass.

Once the water is poured the smell starts to slowly spread and

fill the kitchen with minty deliciousness.

Taking my time, sitting down, my hands brushing the old wooden table.

Hot glass warming my hands. Fresh smell slowly waking me up for good.

Small sips waking up ever cell.

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camera: bronica sq-a

film: kodak portra 160 nc, expired

©  nicole sprekelmann

51 DAYS

51 endless days

51 days of sadness

51 days of sweet memories

51 days missing you

51 days that I haven`t spoken to you

51 days and your voice is still filling my head

51 days trying to find a way to live

51 days of haunting thoughts

51 days of emptiness in my heart

51 days of feeling hopeless and alone

51 days of frozen blood in my veins

51 nights of bad dreams

51 nights feeling overwhelmed

51 nights feeling like a little child neeing its mom

51 nights remembering being tucked into bed

51 nights remembering your soft voice reading stories

51 nights wishing it wasn`t so

51 nights staring at the ceiling

51 nights wondering where one goes

.............................

camera: bronica sq-a

film: kodak portra 160 nc

© nicole sprekelmann

PAINFUL SILENCE

The silence between us seems to seep into every pore, crawling under my skin,

leaving me feel hurt and confused. I can only hear the voices inside my head,

remembering all those beautiful moments, getting lost on the roads to 

the past. A past that holds so many happy words and laughter. A past 

that knew no sadness. A past that is just that – past.

.............................

camera: bronica sq-a

film: kodak portra 160 nc, expired

© nicole sprekelmann

MOM, I LOVE YOU!

The darkest of summers, filled with so much pain, so many

agonizing emotions, filled with fear and still so much hope.

The darkest of summers is leaving a battlefield behind, so many

bruises and painful memories. 

The darkest of summers has left me feeling all helpless and

alone, facing so much emptiness, so much loss. The mind

cannot even understand what is happening.

The darkest of summers.

The last laugh so long ago that I can 

hardly hear the sound of it anymore. 

The last hug a month ago. 

The last word more than a week ago. 

The last glance yesterday.

The last touch and kiss a few hours ago.

The last breath today. 

Find peace.

I love you

mom.

.............................

camera: bronica sq-a

film: kodak portra 160 nc, expired

location: beloved mattsee, place of our summers

© nicole sprekelmann

IMAGINE

If you can imagine it,

you can archive it;

if you can dream it, 

you can become it.

William Arthur Ward

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camera: bronica sq-a

film: kodak portra 160 nc, expired

© nicole sprekelmann

PASTEL LIGHT

Soft light falls upon my pale skin and brings some pastel hues. Will this turn darkness into light?

Will the powdery softness and those gentle tones turn the inner turmoil into something

less painful and disturbing? Will light, that traveled so far to kiss my skin bring the much

sought after peace and calm? 

.............................

camera: nikon fm2

film: kodak portra 400

© nicole sprekelmann

SILENT GREY

Leaden clouds are pushing each other across the horizont, 

as if competing in some silent race. 

I immerse myself into winter darkness, 

trying to block out January's bleakness. 

Eyes glazing over ever so slightly, fluttering in the last effort to stay open. 

Then closing to the sound of pelting rain, letting daydreams come flying in. 

The warmth if fluttering thoughts and dreams carry me away to another place. 

Somewhere beyond the grey of clouds rain and winter winds. 

.............................

camera: nikon fm2n

film: kodak portra 400

© nicole sprekelmann