MOM, I LOVE YOU!

The darkest of summers, filled with so much pain, so many

agonizing emotions, filled with fear and still so much hope.

The darkest of summers is leaving a battlefield behind, so many

bruises and painful memories. 

The darkest of summers has left me feeling all helpless and

alone, facing so much emptiness, so much loss. The mind

cannot even understand what is happening.

The darkest of summers.

The last laugh so long ago that I can 

hardly hear the sound of it anymore. 

The last hug a month ago. 

The last word more than a week ago. 

The last glance yesterday.

The last touch and kiss a few hours ago.

The last breath today. 

Find peace.

I love you

mom.

.............................

camera: bronica sq-a

film: kodak portra 160 nc, expired

location: beloved mattsee, place of our summers

© nicole sprekelmann

IMAGINE

If you can imagine it,

you can archive it;

if you can dream it, 

you can become it.

William Arthur Ward

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camera: bronica sq-a

film: kodak portra 160 nc, expired

© nicole sprekelmann

ETERNITY

The old magnolia in my back garden has been giving shade for decades.

The first rays of spring sun start kissing my skin while I am sitting underneath

this old tree, that has seen so many springs. I am mesmerized

by the soft magentas and whites that dance around in the soft breeze. A slight scent

lingers, mixing with the scent of my morning coffee. I am looking up, into those 

countless leaves, willing my brain to take in this stunning picture in for eternity.

.............................

camera: bronica sq-a

film: kodak portra 160 nc, expired

© nicole sprekelmann

LIKE LEAVES

Each has his past shut in him like leaves of a 

book known to him by his heart, 

and his friends can only read the title.

Virginia Woolf

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camera: bronica sq-a

film: kodak portra 160 nc

© nicole sprekelmann

HELLO SPRING

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camera: bronica sq-a

film: kodak portra

© nicole sprekelmann

NEW LOVE

I have waited for quite some time for my new love. I have been searching for the right medium 

format film camera for ages until I found her, my now sweetheart. She might not be the 

one I take with me every day, but she is definitely one who reminds me to think

before I shoot. She is one to make me giddy and amazed about the miracle that 

takes place when taking a picture. She is the one to remind me to take a deep breath

and think before snapping away.

I still have to find the focus... still have to learn...

.............................

camera: bronica sq-a

film: kodak tri-x

© nicole sprekelmann

STORIES A HOUSE WOULD TELL

Today I sat quietly, listening to the little squeaks and tiny puffs of this house. There seem to be

very few floorboards that will not give you away when you are trying to tiptoe at night.

Old windows squeak as if they were complaining about their  having to constantly

battle the cold winter wind. Those old and very pretty doors seem to have a mind if their

own, too. Or is it visitors from the past who are silently opening doors when no one 

is looking? The odd occasion even had me wondering where a certain

little something - never seen before - came to stand in a certain place.

So today I spend some time listening. Listening very closely to the sounds around me,

listening to all those squeaks and shuffles...  Beyond all those everyday sounds I might hear 

the story this house has to tell. What if I could simply press my ear to those aged walls and 

I could sink into the depth of its history? All those memories, aged dreams and thoughts

these walls have been home to, just thinking about it makes my head spin.

Makes my head spin and my heat beat a little faster, wishing I could

hear that tiny voice a little louder, so I would get to know these stories.

Today will not be the last day I sat here quietly...

.............................

camera: nikon fm2n

film: kodak tri-x

© nicole sprekelmann

A BLACK SUNDAY OF WORRIES AND HOPE

A day that should not have been, 

a day that will forever stay in my mind as a black sunday.

Worries have turned blue skies into dark clouds today.

Today has been all about my mom,

the next weeks and month will be all about her.

It amazes me how one second can change everything. 

From a peaceful morning 

things can turn in the blink of an eye.

How everything feels so much more intense on those days.

a second might turn into hours, a breath will feel slow and 

suffocating instead of healthy and clean. Light that usually is soothing 

feels frightening today.

A prayer, that is what is needed I guess. 

But not even that I am up to. 

My head is empty of words, most of the day even 

empty of feelings. 

All I can feel is that this is too big for me to feel. 

I shuffle away in tiny little steps, well aware of my inner turmoil,

well aware that tomorrow 

I will have to find a better way to cope.

But today I allow myself to simply ignore any feeling. 

.............................

camera: nikon fm2n

film: kodak tri-x

© nicole sprekelmann

A MAD GIRL´S LOVE SONG

Another day, another ray of light, another melody in her head. There is this large empty room that

is filled with the clearest tunes softly reverberating inside the walls, inside her head,

inside her every cell. It stirs some tiny feeling inside, something that has long been forgotten.

For too long she hasn't allowed those feelings to raise to the surface. For too long she

has been trying to hide her emotions from the world, even from herself.

She decided that she would give her soul to the music and surrender. Beyond those walls there

would be a life waiting for her, a life that she would not be too intimidated to lead. If she could

only leave those doubts in this room. If she could find a note for every single of her

crazy thoughts she might have a chance ...

A chance to break free from all those boundaries in her heart, 

soaring and breaking free.  She realized she had to create space between them, 

to allow theirhearts to beat separately again, to break free. 

She prayed for faith, hopeful that one day she would be 

strong enough to just let go without doubt and regret. 

.............................

camera: nikon fm2n

film: kodak tri-x

© nicole sprekelmann